I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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