i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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