her vagine was all disorganized.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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