i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
