I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize