Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Randomize
