She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
