i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
