so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
