He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
