i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i think my cat just said my name.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
