..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
