We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
