Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
