Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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