Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
