every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I need to align my fucking chakras
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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