Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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