So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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