Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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