Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
