I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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