Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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