At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We smell like vodka and hangover
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