Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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