If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
