1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
