i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
