im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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