OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
