Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
