i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
