Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
