Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
