he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
