I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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