I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
