yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
