The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
