i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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