Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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