Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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