Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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