Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
