How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
