I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
