Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
