i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
