I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
