i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i now understand why vodka
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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