Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
