here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
