i think my tv is drunk
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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