The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
