I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
