Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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