My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
