so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
