Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
