is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize