my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
