it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
as a side note pls kill me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
