I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
another moral hangover. fuck.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
