i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
