Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I forget how to act sober
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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