i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
