This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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