You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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