The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
