I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
